It’s Open Season in Red Wing

October 6th, 2005

It’s strange in Red Wing… I live in the land of the nuclear “Emergency Planning Guide Calendar” where we’re advised, in the case of emergency:

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If you hear the sirens:

* Go indoors. Turn on the radio and stay tuned to an EAS station for official information.
* Keep phone lines open; use only if absolutely necessary.
* Follow instructions and stay calm.
* Shelter your livestock and give them stored feed.
* Bring your pets indoors.

If instructed to evacuate, check before you leave:
* Shut windows and close blinds and draperies.
* Prepare your home as if you were going on a vacation
* Check your house for security — lock doors.
* Position the “NOTIFIED” sign found in the back of this calendar in an easily seen front window or door.

They really give us a “notified” sign, but a couple years ago they quit giving us the calendars… damn, they’ve got to be worth something on ebay…


But that’s not it — what really got me going today was when I went to pay the water bill, and there on the wall is this big map, and they’re giving them away. 2005 Hunting Zone Map. Now I’ve often thought I ought to do some target practice on those possums on the bluff, it’s a drag to have them running around in the dining room, sitting on the hot water heater, or chowing down on the cat food, particularly those mangy ones. They are so foul. I like the badger, eagles overhead are too cool, voles are good entertainment for the cats, and the racoons are no problem because it’s the house next door that they like. But here in Red Wing, I swear this is real, we have deer hunting season in the city. Archery only (somehow that’s not a comforting thought).

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According to the map and rules, I can get a permit and do the archery training (no problem for a double Saggitarian), and then take the pups for a walk, bring my bow and arrow, and have at it as I go around the block! As long as I’m in the Archery zone, and on my property or city property or have permission from the owner, I’m cool, so literally, according to this map, I can go hunting walking around the block. Don’t laugh, I’ve almost bagged a few with my car coming up to my street! So I can put a lawn chair in my junk pickup and wait ’til the sun comes up and the deer stop for breakfast in my lot across the street.

This is too weird. Time for orange vests for the dogs? If I wear orange, I’ll be mistaken for a pumpkin and get smashed rather than shot…

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